Breaking the silence.
Experiencing a miscarriage is often a profound and painful experience for those involved. With miscarriage affecting approximately one in four pregnancies, the need for formalised psychosocial supports for the women and men involved would seem apparent.
Content warning – suicide is mentioned within this article.
A systematic review of men and miscarriage highlighted that men can often feel conflicted with their emotions following a miscarriage. Some men experience overwhelming grief, whilst others are left frustrated by a health system which provides little support. Men will often defer their grief whilst they provide support to their female partner.
Providing knowledge, information and support to men affected by miscarriage improves personal agency and health literacy.
This article discusses the medical terms regarding miscarriage, and the experiences of expectant fathers to be.
What is a Miscarriage?
Miscarriage is defined as the early loss of a pregnancy. Miscarriage is a pregnancy loss before 20 weeks’ gestation and occurs in around 1 in 4 pregnancies.
There are several types of miscarriage which can occur, and different signs or symptoms of miscarriage.
What are the Different Stages of Miscarriage?
According to Miscarriage Australia, miscarriages can occur at different stages.
Early miscarriage– an early miscarriage is a miscarriage which occurs in the first 12-weeks of pregnancy (the first trimester). Approximately 85% of all miscarriages occur during this period.
Late miscarriage– refers to a miscarriage between 13-20 weeks’ gestation (the 2nd trimester of pregnancy).
Stillbirth– is the loss of a pregnancy after 20 weeks. In Australia, 6 babies are stillborn each day.
Recurrent miscarriage– is defined as 3 or more miscarriages in a row. Approximately 1-2% of women experience recurrent miscarriage.
Miscarriage & Men research study
Breaking the Silence is the evocative title of new research from the UK exploring men’s experience with miscarriage. The study acknowledges that very little is known about the grief men suffer following a miscarriage as most bereavement information is tailored towards women.
The researchers interviewed 10 men who had lived-experience of miscarriage within the past 2-years.
Following interviews with these men, three recurrent themes emerged. All quotes below are verbatim from the research manuscript.
Theme 1: This is Happening…We’re Pregnant!
All men in the study reported as being invested in the pregnancy. For some men the pregnancy process occurred quickly, and for others it had been a longer period. As one man remarked,
“… when you’re [a] good couple of months down the road you … [you] start to consider… whether it can happen. So when it happened, yeah, absolutely over the moon”.
Awareness of miscarriage served to protect some men against investing fully in the pregnancy to guard oneself emotionally. Others had no reason to doubt that investing in the pregnancy was a safe thing to do.
“… we were really excited… miscarriage never even crossed our minds at all”.
One man however had already experienced a pregnancy loss,
“…we knew that things go wrong …we didn’t invest as much emotionally in it [the pregnancy]”.
Theme 2: Left with Empty Arms, What Now?
Immediate traumatic grief was reported,
“… I just cried … just constantly like, which I have never done before … I had that such deep attachment, to have that just ripped away, it was horrible…”.
Anger directed outwardly was described by some,
“… really, really pissed off at the world to be honest and that’s what really still takes me by surprise [as] to how angry I feel about other people having children …”.
Another man expressed anger directed inwardly,
“… a lot of… anger, and it was…all turned inwards…I was actually thinking of taking my own life at one point …”.
All men in the study spoke of needing to provide support to their partner instinctively, and secondary to their own needs,
“… it’s not physically happening to you … the miscarriage happens to [partner] and I’m just there to help her through it … it’s like being … a backseat driver when things start to go wrong … you’re there in a support role in its entirety and that’s all your contribution can be …”.
Some men described how the miscarriage drew themselves closer as a couple,
“It’s actually brought us closer together… because we were both there for each other it’s helped us grow stronger as a couple … she said we have been through hell in the last few months, but there’s nobody I’d rather have gone through it with”.
Theme 3: Men Feel the Loss Too, You Know
All the men interviewed for this study reported that men’s miscarriage experiences need to more openly discussed and acknowledged.
The lack of support from health professionals and organisations were voiced,
“I don’t think I once heard anything about … death or dying or dead … what I did notice was that they [healthcare] stopped referring to … it really as any kind of baby or embryo … they started just talking about … ‘pregnancy debris’ or something … they used a lot of words that try to maybe depersonalise it and make it a pregnancy rather than a person.”
Cliches offered by people within their social circle were largely unhelpful,
“… when people were trying to be like consoling you and saying, ‘oh well, everything happens for a reason’. I’m like really, give me one good reason why that [miscarriage] should happen to anyone, why someone should have to go through that three times … it pissed me off in its entirety…”.
All men wanted their voiced experiences to be a help and support for other men who may experience miscarriage,
“…more males talking about it [miscarriage] openly about…how it affected them … more needs to be said from the male point of view … “
Study conclusion
The researchers in concluding this study of men and miscarriage, supported the view expressed by the male participants; that stigma and taboo of miscarriage needs to be addressed.
Men do experience pronounced grief which is often mediated or withheld whilst they firstly attend to the emotional wellbeing and grief of their partner. The opportunity to speak about miscarriage loss from a male perspective within forums or social settings ought to be encouraged and actively supported.
Expert Opinion: Dominique Rayner (Registered Midwife & Registered Nurse)
There is very little research regarding the stages of grief experienced by the partner in pregnancy loss. As the research shows, miscarriage is unfortunately quite common.
In my experience, encouraging males to talk about their loss with other males, can aid in closing the gap of feelings of isolation. It is very likely they have another male in their lives who too, has experienced a pregnancy loss.
Acknowledging their baby, sharing their experience and expressing their feelings, aids in supporting the grief experienced by men during and after a pregnancy loss.
Although fathers may not physically carry the pregnancy themselves, they have a strong connection with their baby and as clinicians it is critical we acknowledge this and ensure fathers know that we are there to support them just as much as we are there to support their partners.
Support
If content within this article has triggered feelings of grief or distress, please reach out to MensLine (1300 78 99 78) or Beyond Blue (1300 22 46 36).
